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My Blog, to share as I wish....Vent, rant, cry, ask questions (I am insatiably curious) or just give ground to the many feelings and emotions I sometimes have. I am brutally honest, upfront, and very expressive. Constructive criticism always welcomed; varying opinions welcome ..Rude, crude judgemental non-necessary comments; will be deleted and banned. This is my escape; please don't dump your crap here...Everyone else is welcome to read, share, or just leave a smile...
For the time being, I am escaping here to write about some unfortunate feelings, emotions, and things I am dealing with.....It is for me....I may throw in something unexpected, like a poem, or some silly rambling...But for now, my escape is for me, and thanks to those that offer a kind word.....
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Shaking my head and kicking my butt
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Posted:Jun 28, 2011 9:14 am
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2011 6:42 am
6217 Views
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Have you ever agreed to something that, at the time, just seemed like a good idea? But the more time passes, and the more you think about it, the more you go WHAT THE F**K was I thinking; and WHY IN THE HE!! did I agree to that??
But, because of time, scheduling, and financial investments, you just don't feel you can back out of it? So, you look at the calendar, dreading the impending event.....Just kicking yourself in the butt for even REMOTELY considering the fact that you agreed to it??
I try to live doing the least amount of things that will cause me regret; regret over what was, or was not, done. And, because I have always been a cautious, prudish, consider all options person, I find that I sometimes now tend to go the other way.
So, for the next few days, will be shaking my head, and wondering WTF did I do that??
Well, at least my legs are getting a work out; as I continuously kick my behind.
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18
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A married woman's story
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Posted:Jun 20, 2011 5:33 pm
Last Updated:Jul 21, 2011 6:09 am
7709 Views
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Last week, I was trying to decide what to blog; several ideas going through my head. Seems one reader questioned my "honesty and integrity". Or, the fact I had/have a lover while I am married. He certainly did not, has not, and will not ever have, all the facts. But, since it was something I have been thinking about, I think that is what my blog will be about. Sorry for those that know me that this may disappoint, but it will be honest. And for those that think I am rationalizing, or making excuses? Maybe so. If you don't like my story, or My Escape, the door out works as well as the door in.
So; how to go about telling how a marriage that was supposed to be "till death do us part"; in the eyes of God; the one and the only; stop working.
As with most things, gradually. And no, not without lots and lots and LOTS of effort. When you have THREE different counselors give you advice, but fail to put them into practice, where is the mutual effort??
As I have said in some of my blogs, I beat that proverbial dead ; then carry it the extra mile, then give it mouth to mouth; then beat it some more. Why?? A few reasons. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. My marriage was. I don't like to "lose". And, my original fairytale was a family; Dad, Mom, . Home, activities, friends.
But, after being the SOLE person that carried ALL the load, I got tired. And, the final straw?? Me constantly being the only parent in the picture. As one couselor said; there is no good parent/bad parent. There is bad parent/ best friend. If you continue to be your 's best friend, you will soon become your wife's worst enemy. That pretty much sums it up.
I overlooked the two affairs. The fact that my HSV MOST LIKELY came from his second affair. (No, that we will never know.) The fact that ANY thing that had to be handled was handled by me; finances; paying bills, trying to figure out how to pay bills when there was more bill than pay; making sure whatever was broke got fixed; even to the point I would have to tell him to put air in his flat tire, before he ruined the tire.
But, the real killer. The .....All I can do is give examples..... I would cook; my would gripe, complain, make rude remarks about "this crap"; etc. Dad would sit there, never saying a word. I would take my daughters phone away when she was on the phone all night on a school night; dad would give her his phone. I grounded my when her abusive, manipulative boyfriend wrecked her car and broke her nose (not in the wreck; out of anger). I put her on total lockdown. Dad sneeked her out to see him. I could go on and on; but the counselor summed it up best. This was after my was hospitalized for some very severe problems. "If you continue to be your 's best friend, you will soon become your wife's worst enemy." Truer words were never spoken.
So; why am I still here? A few reasons; most financial. NO!! He DOES not make a lot of money. Quite the contraire. The job I took a while back was for the "good" I thought, and I do, accomplish. I work with special needs . However, the pay is not enough to make a car payment and rent, much less afford me to live alone. Also, my house was a gift from my dad. I'll be damned if I walk away; since he has never lifted a finger to upgrade, maintain, or improve the place the whole time we have lived here. And, last?? My were given a college account. It is in my name, with them as recipients upon a certain age. He stated quite plainly in a divorce that he would sue for half of that.
So; the bare, ugly facts. I am, for now, stuck. With a man that I have no feelings for, except unpleasant ones. And absolutely no respect for in ANY capacity. Do I feel bad for taking on a lover?? HELL NO!! Do I fuck anyone that comes along?? NO!!!! I am, probably too selective. Do I get to enjoy life as I wish?? Not nearly. Do I sometimes get completely overwhelmed, and feel totally hopeless? Yes; too often.
So, for those that think everything is fixable? Best of luck to you. One of my biggest faults is knowing "when to say when". I finally got the epiphany that it was time to say when, even if it couldn't happen in the physical world. So yes, every strand of marital connection was broken. Except the legal ones.
This is MY story. Sorry if it offends, hits a raw nerve, or pisses you off. If you see it as justification, making excuses, or just plain wrong; feel free to express that. I will not make it a point to argue this with anyone. It is, simply, my story.
And yes; I am sure his would be different.
So; I clearly post in my profile I am married. I state that I do not want to meet married men. Double standard? No; but I WILL NOT be the source of another womans' heart ache and pain. If his partner is aware, and has no problem, and the chemisty is there, then we'll see what develops. My profile states other issues concerning my ability and desire for my partner.
Yes, honesty and integrity are important to me. Sorry if my interpretation of the definition and yours don't line up.
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25
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Bloggers appreciated
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Posted:Jun 18, 2011 11:00 am
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2011 3:28 am
6443 Views
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YOu know, I just don't know how they do it....Bloggers with an enourmous watch list. I mean, they post a blog; and then they respond to each comment. But not only that, they then go and read OTHER blogs, and comment there.
I have read a few blogs in the last few days that mention something along those lines. Watcher; loosing watchers; readers that never leave comments. And of course, we all know about the devastation that resulted from the Blog Wars.....I, II, and III....even if we didn't know the details, we could feel and see the destruction, cheer the recovery efforts, shake our heads at the little skirmishes, and just continue on.
So I'm gonna admit; I've watched my "watch" list creep up; and it does boost my ego. But it also intimidates me. A couple of times, I have had comments posted on blogs that I just didn't see, so I didn't respond to. And that is important to me. I want to respond to each person that actually takes the time to leave a comment. And, when I see a "watcher" leave, I wonder; did I say something offensive?? LOL...Yea....I do wonder those things.
I know number go up at picture posting time; down when members leave or turn off profile. To me? I just want to let each person that visits my blog know that I appreciate the time, and effort, and just want to make sure I never overlook anyone.
Hmmmm....not even what I had in mind to post. Guess that will come later.
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17
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