The Lawn Mower
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Posted:Jun 6, 2011 9:31 pm
Last Updated:Jun 12, 2011 10:15 pm
5339 Views
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The Lawn Mower . . .
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while!
"You've got yourself a deal!"said, the preacher.
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it.
He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start?"
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope Preacher! It'll come back to ya, sooner than ya think!"
~Vaya con Dios~
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Speaking German in Texas
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Posted:May 31, 2011 5:21 pm
Last Updated:May 31, 2011 10:46 pm
5170 Views
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In Texas , there is a town called New Braunfels , where there is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window, and shouted, "Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
Which means: ("Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it.")
The man shouted back, "I'm from New York, and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied, "Use both hands. You'll get more."
~Vaya con Dios~
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Advice to an Old Guy!
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Posted:May 27, 2011 7:13 am
Last Updated:May 30, 2011 10:29 pm
5236 Views
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Advice to an Old Guy...
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer firmly looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby!"
Remember a woman's heart is like a campfire. If you don't tend to it regular, you'll soon lose it and ain't nothin' like startin' a fresh fire out of this old log. ~Vaya con Dios~
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Trivia Question
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Posted:May 26, 2011 11:03 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:58 pm
4816 Views
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Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our Church's pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point!
Not only did I get the last question wrong but I was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is "Fiji Islands"
~Vaya con Dios~
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Boy in Closet
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Posted:May 26, 2011 10:59 pm
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2011 10:51 pm
5147 Views
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, Thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove,let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000."
The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."
~Vaya con Dios~
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Donald and Daisy
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Posted:May 21, 2011 9:36 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:58 pm
4885 Views
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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had any condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'd thuffocate!"
Perhaps best viewed form the bottom of a freshly emptied Beer. Wine or Margarita glass!
~Vaya con Dios~
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Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess
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Posted:May 20, 2011 8:41 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2011 9:16 pm
5099 Views
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Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up . . . so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
There is an inner beauty about a woman who believes in herself, who knows she is capable of anything that she puts her mind to!
~Vaya con Dios~
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A GOLFER'S HONEYMOON
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Posted:May 13, 2011 10:18 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:58 pm
4845 Views
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GOLFER'S HONEYMOON
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said “How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way!“
The doctor told him, “I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.”
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her firm beautiful breasts.
She said, “You're the first; no one has EVER touched these!”
He immediately drops his pants and replies,"Look at this, still in the CRATE!”
~Vaya con Dios~
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WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
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Posted:Apr 29, 2011 10:36 pm
Last Updated:May 6, 2011 8:41 pm
5241 Views
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WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My , it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned!"
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
MORAL:
Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive!
~Vaya con Dios~
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Jumping On the Bed
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Posted:Apr 19, 2011 9:42 pm
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2011 11:09 pm
5573 Views
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Jumping On the Bed
A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".
The husband said, "What did he say about your 60 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
Gotta love women!
(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)
~ " Vaya con Dios " ~
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Moral of the Story
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Posted:Apr 17, 2011 9:08 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:58 pm
5008 Views
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And the Moral of the Story is . . .
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. . "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't f**k with Mommy when she's been drinking."
Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless!
~Vaya con Dios~
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Missing Wife
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Posted:Apr 8, 2011 9:55 pm
Last Updated:Apr 8, 2011 9:56 pm
4934 Views
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Missing Wife
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife," said one Trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkins shouted.
The Troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
The Trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh no!" exclaimed Wilkins.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The Trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound King Crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness Crabs clinging to her.
We feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The Trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in!
~Vaya con Dios~
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Jack Daniels Fishing Story
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Posted:Mar 22, 2011 8:47 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:58 pm
5028 Views
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Experiencing the hard things in life, could be a consequence of our choices. There are no regrets in life, jus' lessons! So perhaps here is a lil' ice-breaker for that Cabin Fever!
Jack Daniels Fishing Story
I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then,out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.
"Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit?
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot.
There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.
Life is good in the South.
Life shines brilliantly when confronted with difficulty!
~Vaya con Dios~
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