The Irish Millionaire
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Posted:Aug 16, 2011 10:31 pm
Last Updated:Sep 7, 2011 9:51 am
6266 Views
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The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a Million Euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?”
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, “So I'll use the last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin’ Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a Cuckoo."
"Are you sure Paddy?"
"I'm Fookin’ sure Mick!"
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 Million Euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin Clock!"
~Vaya con Dios~
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4
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Fish or Porn
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Posted:Aug 14, 2011 11:31 pm
Last Updated:Aug 18, 2011 6:21 am
5789 Views
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An old married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
Of course the ole' saying goes: It is not the size of the worm but how well it dangles! ~Vaya con Dios~
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2
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Daddy Long Legs
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Posted:Aug 14, 2011 8:56 am
Last Updated:Aug 16, 2011 10:34 pm
5946 Views
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Daddy Long Legs . . .
Stories about and their views of the world are always touching.
A father watched his young playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They're mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top?” she asked.
“A Daddy Long Legs,” her father answered.
“So, the other one is a Mommy Long Legs?” the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Long Legs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
“Well", she said, “that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas.”
The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions; the little, soon forgotten charities of a kiss or a smile, a kind look or heartfelt compliments, is seen thru the eyes of a ! When a is born a promise is made and once they grasp your fore-finger with their tiny fist, they have your heart captured forever! So always Listen and always Believe! ~Vaya con Dios~
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1
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Fun Facts
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Posted:Aug 13, 2011 9:15 pm
Last Updated:Aug 14, 2011 8:46 am
5912 Views
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Fun Fact:
Your earlobes line up with your Nipples!
Fun Fact:
You just looked!
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive!
~Vaya con Dios~
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3
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Piss Poor Trivia
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Posted:Aug 7, 2011 2:51 am
Last Updated:Aug 8, 2011 9:08 pm
5822 Views
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Do you ever wonder where did piss poor come from?
Us older people need to learn something new every day.
Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.
Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
Interesting History.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery.
If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot.
They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.
However, since they were starting to smell, Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the .
Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt.
Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside.
A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables.
And did not get much meat.
They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme:
Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old?.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status.
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.
And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone!
Share these facts with a friend.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
"What the Hell happened?"
We'll be friends until we are old and senile.
Then we'll be new friends.
Good friends are strong medicine for the soul!
So give them your Smile, it gives your face something to do!
I have traveled a long way along the trail of life and some of the roads were not paved! ~Vaya con Dios~
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4
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Women
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Posted:Jul 26, 2011 11:11 pm
Last Updated:Aug 13, 2011 8:32 pm
5640 Views
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Women . . .
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible . . .
No wait . . . Sorry!
I'm thinking of whiskey.
It's whiskey that does all that sheeeiit.
It is difficult to say who do you the most mischief: Enemies with the worst intentions or Friends with the best!
~Vaya con Dios~
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1
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LOVE STORY FOR GOLFERS
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Posted:Jul 22, 2011 4:41 am
Last Updated:Jul 24, 2011 12:47 am
5534 Views
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LOVE STORY FOR GOLFERS . . .
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we ill be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Martha said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
~Vaya con Dios~
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Husband & Wife Diaries
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Posted:Jul 22, 2011 4:34 am
Last Updated:Aug 8, 2011 9:14 pm
5471 Views
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Husband & Wife Diaries . . .
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him, "what was wrong?"
He said, "Nothing..."
I asked him, "if it was my fault that he was upset?"
He said "he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it."
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
~Vaya con Dios~
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2
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Grammer Help!
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Posted:Jul 15, 2011 10:46 pm
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2011 4:42 am
5558 Views
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Grammer Help
To the Point ...
In this world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capitalization.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a , and helping your uncle jack off a ."
Is everyone clear on that?
~Vaya con Dios~
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3
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Harlequin Novel, 2011 Version:
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Posted:Jun 30, 2011 10:12 pm
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2011 12:59 am
5607 Views
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Harlequin Novel, 2011 Version:
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily.
My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care.
His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes.
My pulse was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, then down my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.
This is a man, I thought.
A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking no for an answer.
A man who would tell me what he wanted.
A man who would look into my soul and say...
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
Always remember ... when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt then call me over! Happy July 4th! ~Vaya con Dios~
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3
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Witty Come Backs
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Posted:Jun 27, 2011 4:10 pm
Last Updated:Jun 27, 2011 11:55 pm
5477 Views
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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep things from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
~Vaya con Dios~
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3
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Husbands
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Posted:Jun 15, 2011 8:28 pm
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2011 8:18 am
5443 Views
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While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world . . .
And then He made the earth round.
God - He's such a joker!
~Vaya con Dios~
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3
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EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
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Posted:Jun 10, 2011 9:56 pm
Last Updated:Jun 11, 2011 7:49 pm
5419 Views
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I think everyone should be able to do this program.
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
~Vaya con Dios~
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