Cheers to Grandad
|
Posted:Dec 25, 2011 9:58 pm
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2011 9:21 pm
6112 Views
|
The Difference Between Grandmothers & Grandfathers!
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?
Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his 's family on weekends.
Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.
He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, 's ass, blind bastard, dip-shit, goat humper, camel jocky or of a bitch anywhere we went!"
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
May the love of the season live always in your heart for its true meaning never ends! Merry Christmas My Friends! ~Vaya con Dios~
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
The Thingy!
|
Posted:Dec 14, 2011 2:54 pm
Last Updated:Dec 15, 2011 7:51 pm
6149 Views
|
The Thingy!
Why Men can Pee standing up Theory . . .
GOD was just about done when creating human life form but He has two parts left over!
GOD could not decide how to split them between Adam and Eve, so He thought He would just ask them.
He told them of one of the things He had left over and with this thing would allow the owner to be able to pee while standing up.
It’s a hardy thing, GOD told them and that He was wondering just which one of them had a preference for such a thing.
Well Adam, jumped up and down and begged, “Oh GOD please give that thing to me. I would love to be able to do that. It seems like sort of a thing that a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!” On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve told GOD that if Adam wanted it so bad that he could have that thing.
So GOD gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up.
Adam being very excited with his new thing that he began whizzing all over the place; first on the side of a standing rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and soon after he tried hitting a tree stump ten feet away, laughing with delight during the whole time with his new thing.
GOD and Eve watched Adam with amusement, then GOD turned to Eve and said, “Well I guess you are kind of stuck with the last part I have left over!”
“What is the part called?”, asked Eve curiously.
“Brains”, said GOD.
Let the truth be known that man has been obsessed with 'The Thingy' ever since! ~ Vaya con Dios ~
Remove not the ancient landmark, which thy fathers have set Proverbs 22:28
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Negative People
|
Posted:Dec 13, 2011 5:56 pm
Last Updated:Dec 14, 2011 9:58 pm
6432 Views
|
Negative People
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot! And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who screwed up your hair?"
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, that tries to make your life miserable. ~ Vaya con Dios ~
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
THE BLONDE AND THE PORCH
|
Posted:Dec 12, 2011 9:14 pm
Last Updated:Dec 14, 2011 10:01 pm
6136 Views
|
THE BLONDE AND THE PORCH
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!"
~Vaya con Dios~
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Nutrition's Best Answer
|
Posted:Dec 7, 2011 8:08 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 2:23 am
5739 Views
|
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa Florida on food nutrition to promote a longer, healthier and happier life.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake!"
Coming soon Remember Santa does check his list twice ~Vaya con Dios~
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Job Security
|
Posted:Dec 2, 2011 4:09 pm
Last Updated:Mar 4, 2012 12:44 pm
6380 Views
|
Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky , and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help him.
Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
Job Security . . .
The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Earl then agreed and began by saying, "this is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
"Not a problem',The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do for you: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses."
~Vaya con Dios~
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
Eighty Year Old Man
|
Posted:Nov 8, 2011 5:36 pm
Last Updated:Nov 10, 2011 8:04 am
6228 Views
|
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical.
As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?
"No," replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
~ Vaya con Dios ~
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
You Got To Love Those Irish!
|
Posted:Oct 25, 2011 9:20 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 2:23 am
5594 Views
|
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ...
Father O' Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yerself ... This is Father O' Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead on me front lawn"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment..........
Then Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker! ~Vaya con Dios~
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
How Old ?
|
Posted:Oct 21, 2011 10:25 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 2:23 am
5493 Views
|
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and lets him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Keep a wise old man in your head,
A virgin's love in your heart,
A 's smile on your face,
And warm laughter for even the coldest of nights.
You will never go wrong in life that way!
I promise ya that!
~ Vaya con Dios ~
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Shame and Glory
|
Posted:Oct 21, 2011 10:13 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 2:23 am
5418 Views
|
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots.
She downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame."
Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."
A short while later, the woman orders two more shots.
Again, she downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame."
Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."
Finally, the bartender leans over and asks, "Ma'am, I was just wondering... what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework in the nude. And, when I bent over to pick up the vacuum, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender smirked.
"No, that was the glory," replied the woman.
"The shame was when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."
~Vaya con Dios~
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
A Girls First Time!
|
Posted:Oct 21, 2011 10:10 pm
Last Updated:Oct 26, 2011 10:55 pm
6073 Views
|
A Girls First Time . . .
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him, he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Excuse me . . . Now what were you thinkin'?
Naughty, Naughty!
~ " Vaya con Dios " ~
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Cowboy buys Condoms
|
Posted:Oct 19, 2011 10:24 pm
Last Updated:Oct 19, 2011 10:25 pm
5493 Views
|
Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.
Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
Cowboy: Nah.... She ain't THAT ugly.
~Vaya con Dios~
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
The deer hunter and the dentist
|
Posted:Oct 10, 2011 7:12 pm
Last Updated:Oct 12, 2011 10:33 pm
5623 Views
|
The deer hunter and the dentist . . .
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for me and my wife to go deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic! I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have our feeders set to go off in thirty minutes. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."
There is a crack in everything . . . that's how the light gets in!
~Vaya con Dios~
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
To link to this blog (OutlawsBounty) use [blog OutlawsBounty] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
31
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
