The Elderly Irish Virgin
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Posted:Mar 17, 2011 11:13 pm
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2011 6:50 am
5086 Views
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The Elderly Irish Virgin
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
~Vaya con Dios~
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When's Your Last Confession?
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Posted:Mar 13, 2011 10:53 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 4:6 pm
4935 Views
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When's Your Last Confession?
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The Priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side."
~Vaya con Dios~
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Remember - Daylight Savings Time!
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Posted:Mar 12, 2011 1:27 am
Last Updated:Mar 13, 2011 10:51 pm
5110 Views
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Daylight Savings Time . . .
Do not forget on Sunday March 13th at 2 am daylight savings time ends and Springs Forward 1 hour for those this may apply!
When told the reason for Daylight Savings Time, the Old Indian said, "Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket."
No trees were killed in the sending of this message but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced!!!
~Vaya con Dios~
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Special Needs
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Posted:Mar 9, 2011 8:43 pm
Last Updated:Mar 14, 2011 1:35 pm
5240 Views
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Special Needs . . .
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
~ Vaya con Dios ~
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A Named Sex
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Posted:Mar 7, 2011 11:02 pm
Last Updated:Mar 9, 2011 12:24 am
5397 Views
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A Named Sex
Everybody I know usually calls their Rover or Spot.
I called mine Sex.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk I'd like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "She is a dog!!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand, I had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the Preacher that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life, and my life revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everybody would like having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of Peace.
My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand! Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, Sex ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around, and I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said. "I hoped to have Sex on TV!"
He called me a 'show off'!
When my wife and I split, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married, but Sex left me after I was married."
The judge said, "Me too!!"
Last night, Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that than I ever foresaw.
Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my shrink, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever, I couldn't live any longer, I am so lonely!"
And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend, so get your self a dog."
~Vaya con Dios~
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ITALIAN BREAD
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Posted:Feb 16, 2011 8:34 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 4:6 pm
5277 Views
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ITALIAN BREAD
Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like a loaf?"
He said, "Hell, I want 5 of your beautiful loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves . . . By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I just can not believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."
~Vaya con Dios~
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The Art of Kissing
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Posted:Feb 7, 2011 9:32 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 4:6 pm
5379 Views
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The Art of Kissing
Don’t peck a woman on the forehead or the end of the nose, or jerk at her bonnet strings in haste to get through.
Do take the left hand of the young lady in your right; let go of your hat, just let it drop.
Throw your left hand over the lady’s shoulder and let it fall down to her waist.
Draw her gently and lovingly to your heart.
Don’t be in a hurry.
Her left hand is in your right … clasp it firmly, gently, and with thought and respect.
Don’t be in a hurry.
Her head lies on your shoulder.
Look into her half-closed eyes.
Lean forward with your head, not your body.
Take good aim … the lips meet … the eyes close … the heart opens … (don’t be in a hurry) … the heart forgets all bitterness, and the incomparable art of kissing is learned.
Taken from an old 1896 edition of the Farmers’ Almanac!
Happy Valentines Day!
~ Vaya con Dios ~
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An Old Valentines Day Romance
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Posted:Feb 7, 2011 9:11 pm
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2011 8:54 pm
6272 Views
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An Old Valentines Day Romance
An older couple were lying in bed on the night of Valentines Day.
The husband was falling fast asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
~Vaya con Dios~
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History of Valentine's Day!
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Posted:Feb 7, 2011 9:03 pm
Last Updated:Feb 15, 2011 9:04 pm
5537 Views
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History of Valentine's Day
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
“Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian Saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: “No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?”
“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.
“Why Osama Bin Laden?” her father asks startled!
“Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.”
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his with new found pride, “Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.”
“I know Daddy‘, Melissa says and smiling while skipping away, 'and once that gets him out in the open, then the Marines could shoot the fucker!"
You could have heard echo off the hardwood floor as her Father's Jaw dropped.
~Vaya con Dios~
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What Day is it Today?
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Posted:Feb 1, 2011 9:02 pm
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2011 8:55 pm
5426 Views
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What Day is it Today?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.
At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered.
Later on, a boutique delivered a designer dress!
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
May you share the true blessings of this New Year with those most dear to you! Happy GroundHog Day! Keep warm & safe!~Vaya con Dios~
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Blizzard Conditions
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Posted:Jan 23, 2011 10:55 pm
Last Updated:Jan 30, 2011 10:03 pm
5561 Views
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Blizzard Conditions . . .
I just got off the phone with a relative living in Cape Cod!
He said that since early this morning the snow has piled up to nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in!
~Vaya con Dios~
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Just for laughs!
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Posted:Jan 23, 2011 10:32 pm
Last Updated:Jan 23, 2011 10:35 pm
5169 Views
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A Cow, an Ant and a Nasty Animal!
A Cow, an Ant and a Nasty Animal are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give four gallons of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry
52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
Everyone deserves a good laugh, so here is my 2011 contribution! ~Vaya con Dios~
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Terrorist Plots
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Posted:Jan 23, 2011 10:26 pm
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2011 8:53 pm
5430 Views
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Up-to-date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security.
Terrorist Plots Discovered ... 0
Transvestites ... 133
Hernias ... 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases ... 3,172
Enlarged Prostates ... 8,249
Breast Implants ... 59,350
Natural Blondes ... 3
~Vaya con Dios~
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