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Depression: A risky personal explaination
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Depression: A risky personal explaination If you think you understand depression, or wish to understand depression consider this. Every day of my life I wake up with the following thoughts in my head. Everyday I have to overcome these thoughts to function. Every minute of every day I must struggle to overcome this chain of thoughts: "I am a loser, I am a failure. I want to die. I do not understand the point in continuing to live. I offer no valuable contribution to society. I am such a failure. As a matter of fact, I am SUCH a failure that if I actually tried to kill myself, I would probably fuck that up too, so why bother even trying. Why bother. As a matter of fact, since I'm going to fuck up everything i attempt today, why even get out of bed." If just one person can read the above and come closer to a real understanding of how depression is in fact a crippling issue for folks... If just one person can react to comments and concerns by recognizing that this isn't just "the dulldrums" or "The February blah's" and give a depressed individual shit for getting down on themselves or being a "drama queen" Or says trite things to glaze over the situation and try minimize it... If just one person realizes the gravity of the paralysis and self loathing that depression causes... If just one person "gets it". Then it was worth laying myself completely bare in this thread. If you still don't get it, then I am sorry I have wasted your time. |
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I want to thank you all for your support and kind comments. Let me toss out an addendum to this post: I do have a fairly good handle on the depression with which I am afflicted. While the words that I have written are true, and not exaggerated, the truth is that I am generally ok. I posted this for a couple of reasons: 1. For those of you who who do not suffer from any form of clinical depression so do not really understand the nature of depression. Perhaps you are not afflicted (yay!). Perhaps you have an aquaintance who has depression, but you are not that close, so don't fully understand the nature of the beast. Perhaps you do have a friend who is afflicted with some form of depression, but you have never really been able to get a candid description of their feelings, or how they are affected. (If this is you, That is ok. It is difficult to talk about. In fact, when in the midst of a dispairing funk, it is sometimes impossible to talk about it. that must make it hard for those of you who are our friends, and want to help.) 2. For those of you who suffer from some form of depression. This post is for you as well. Perhaps you will recognize the words. Maybe they are words that you have heard in your head. It could be that you have been trying to describe your depression but cannot put words to page. Maybe you think that you are suffering alone. That you are the only person to feel this bad. I hope that by reading my words, you will see that you are not alone. That it is possible to break through to the other side. If this describes how you have felt at times, but you were unable to describe it to a friend, please feel free to use my words if you think it will help. 
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You cover all this up so well, I would never have guessed that these thoughts were going through your mind. You are none of those things you describe in red, and I'm SO glad that you're able to fight those thoughts about yourself and see yourself as the rest of us do. You're smart, confident, successful, funny and creative (and more). And nothing you do or say is a waste of time, including making this blog entry. I don't want to get too personal here in your blog...but I care about you, and I hope you consider me a friend to turn to if you ever need something. Like Casia and Kit have said above, you're a great person and I hope you know how much you're loved.
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12/2/2007 2:51 pm |
You and I have become quite good friends, even though we haven't met in the "real world". I feel I know you quite well, as well as we can through this method of communication anyway. Over the year, or is it years (plural) that I have known you, you have not once come across as someone who seeks pity or portrays themselves as being needy and dramatic. You've always been so helpful, sweet, thoughtful, empathetic, and, caring. If I needed someone to talk to, you've been there regardless of how you were feeling that day. You never ask for anything in return, and you never expect anything of anyone. You are a great person and a true friend. Thank you for sharing and I will remember everything that you've said.  Casia
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